


Patching Things Up

by HungLikeARainbro



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Anal Sex, Established Relationship, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings, Rimming, Shameless Smut, Valentine's Day, Versatile Lister, Versatile Rimmer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-27 21:24:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17774444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HungLikeARainbro/pseuds/HungLikeARainbro
Summary: Valentine's Day smuff.Other titles considered: Patchwork Guilt and Soul Patch.Plot: Rimmer thinks he's not good enough in bed so he risks a mind patch with one of the adult games.





	Patching Things Up

**Author's Note:**

> **Although called a mind patch, it seems to affect the body as well, as evidenced in Holoship where Rimmer is capable of looking at and typing upon two computers at once.**

“Right a bit… my right…”

“If I just…”

“What are you doing?"

“Maybe I could try…”

“No don’t lift my le- SMEG!”

“Sorry! I’m sorry!”

Lister landed back on the mattress with a pained yelp, rubbing the cramp out of his calf muscle. “I keep telling yer I don’t bend that much, Rimmer. I’m an old dog - no new tricks for me."

Rimmer looked like a dog himself - specifically a hangdog as that was the expression etched on his face as he meekly cleaned up around their interrupted coitus in spite of Lister’s reassurance that he wasn’t completely out of commission. Rimmer didn’t want to push things further than he already had. He helped Lister on with his long-johns and for the rest of their date night they snuggled up together with an old film and some buttered popcorn (with added chilli flakes because Lister needed something to tease his tongue besides Rimmer).

Rimmer tried not to grumble at the soppy nonsense on the screen in front of him, but if he didn’t at least try to be invested in the film then things would get awkward when Lister interrogated him afterwards about how he liked it or what his favourite scenes were. Rimmer also wanted the distraction from the negative thoughts steadily winding and creeping around his mind as usual.

_Failed again, didn’t we?_

_Shut up._

_Worst fellatio he’s ever had I bet._

_No it's not._

_He nearly always finishes himself off, if at all._

_That’s just… I… he…_

_Hasn't got any other choice. Better your useless flopping about than celibacy._

_Technically it would be involuntary abstinence_ , Rimmer retorted and his brain went quiet for a while.

The inner-voice was right on some level, he knew it. Rimmer was just someone to get the engine going; Lister was always the one who took off the handbrake (or whatever the correct metaphor was). It made no sense for Rimmer to be there at all. Lister could just use the interactive games to get his jollies like he used to do. Rimmer was effectively the same as those; a program to satisfy his needs with the only difference being that at least the other programs knew what they were doing.

For some unimaginable reason, he _wanted_ Rimmer to stoke his engine, however uselessly.

“Smegging hell,” Lister remarked with a light chuckle as the couple on screen began to engage in intimate activities. “That’s some bad choreography there. What’s he shagging - her kneecap? Sexy as, I tell yer.”

 _Perhaps that was the problem_ , Rimmer thought. He was a program encumbered with a human mind, and a very limited one at that. His own history of sex was a few basic encounters and visual media - ridiculously staged sex scenes like the one currently playing out in front of them, and overzealous pornography with healthy and more experienced individuals who had regular breaks and fluffers to help them get through the session.

Lister could not do what they did, even if he were young again. And despite being fitter Rimmer couldn’t do what they did either because ‘monkey see, monkey do’ didn’t work with sex, at least not the mind-blowing, bone-liquefying, planet-quaking sex he wanted to have. Research and knowledge was important - vital, really, to be safe and informed - but it was a tactile hobby. You had to get your hands dirty to really learn.

Unfortunately Rimmer had a habit of cocking up every lesson, pun very much intended.

 _If I could just instantly be amazing, that would be great_ , he thought to himself as Lister shifted in his arms to get closer and warmer. _Be the lover I want to be, the one Lister deserves._ But it wasn’t as though one could obtain experience and talent like that in an instant.

_Or could I?_

“S’up babe?” Lister mumbled sleepily at Rimmer’s sudden jump beneath him.

“Just thought of something,” he said.

“Ah. Always shocks me when I have a thought too,” Lister joked. “What was it?”

“Just an idea. For Valentine’s Day.”

That got Lister’s attention. He sat up, eagerly pawing at Rimmer’s pyjama shirt but he was refused access to the tantalising plan. It was a secret surprise, Rimmer said, and Lister would have to wait like a good little boy. With a devilishly charming grin Lister pointed out that he was actually a very bad little boy and Rimmer liked him that way; this resulted in the film being ignored and the two of them necking like teens on the sofa for the rest of the night.

~~~~~

Rimmer went through as many of the male-on-male sexual games as he could. It was basically the same pre-programmed avatar in each one, with adjustable areas such as kink or fetish. You also selected what they looked like and how they acted and away you went. If you wanted a seven-foot beefcake who liked to be spanked and called ‘princess’ then you could have it, queer stereotypes be damned.

Rimmer intended to still look like himself however, otherwise Lister would get more than a little suspicious. It would be just like a mind-patch and he’d do a trial run first and download the romance and confidence sections to get things going. He knew that the less patch you had inside you the less likely it would corrupt your file. The last thing he wanted was to leave Lister broken-hearted and alone because of his own pathetic inadequacies.

“Oh for goodness sake,” Rimmer said as he transferred the files to his program. “That sappy bastard has really gotten to me, hasn’t he.” The file icon spun on the screen to indicate a complete upload and Rimmer blinked. Warmth filled his entire hard-light body. “Nothing wrong with being sappy,” he said and smiled widely. “Especially about the love of your life.” He got up from the console and with a merry whistle began to plan his debut.

~~~~~

Lister poked at his teeth and squinted at his face in the bathroom mirror. He bemoaned how long would it be before he lost his teeth and had to have a set of dentures. “S’pose blowies might be more fun without gnashers,” he told his reflection. “But I’m gonna brush you guys anyway.”

“Glad to hear it,” said Rimmer from behind him. “Your personal hygiene has improved exponentially since you matured.”

“That’s a really nice way of saying getting old,” Lister said around a mouthful of toothbrush and paste. He was surprised when Rimmer wrapped his arms around his waist and kissed his neck softly but he was in no way complaining.

“Listy?”

“Mmm?”

“Although I want my Valentine’s Day plans to be a secret I'm going to need to ask for a couple of favours from you to make it go perfectly.”

“I know, I know. I promise I'll shower.”

“I had something a little more thorough in mind.” Rimmer nosed the back of his neck affectionately. “Internal, if you catch my meaning.”

Lister spat out the foam abruptly and laughed in shock. “Wow. Okay. Soooo... what you're getting at is you want me to lay off the curry and have a clean-out beforehand.”

“Sorry. There’s not really a romantic way to ask. Unless of course, you don’t want to do it that way.”

“Fine by me,” he said after rinsing his mouth. He turned around to give Rimmer a proper fresh minty kiss. “I’d like to give it another go.”

“Good. Leave everything else to me.”

“What exactly are you up to?”

“Don’t you trust me, karulo?”

“Not one bit.”

“Smart man,” said Rimmer, kissing his hand in a way that made Lister’s skin tingle all the way down to his toes. Something was different about Rimmer that he couldn't quite pinpoint, not that it was bad. Perhaps Valentine’s Day would be more interesting than he thought.

~~~~~

Lister uncheerfully dug a spoon into his chicken salad. At least it was only for one day and he was excited enough for Rimmer’s surprise that he would put up with bland food. Lately Rimmer had been walking around with a binder that he regularly peeped inside whenever he thought Lister wasn’t looking. Lister was desperate to sneak it away but he knew he had to hold out. Rimmer would be devastated if his hard work was spoiled and Lister didn’t want to do that to him.

The binder was in fact full of notes and swatches and mood boards that Rimmer’s patched mind had written down before Rimmer reset it to the previous restore point. It looked like complete bollocks to him and disgustingly romantic, which meant it was probably great. He decided to follow it to the letter and trust that the patch knew what it was doing.

~~~~~

Lister went down to the medibay on the eve before Valentine’s Day to prepare. Not the most fun part of the physical side to their relationship, but he’d only had to do it once before, as things had gone so badly Rimmer swore off the reversal from that point. He was so convinced he’d wrecked Lister beyond repair that he ran off to sulk in the observation dome for two days and Lister didn’t speak to him for a week after that, and it took Rimmer a while to realise that it was because he’d abandoned Lister during a vulnerable time and not because he’d gone too fast and hurt him.

Lister had been happy to give it another go after the (frankly quite small and insignificant) fissure had healed up and he’d forgiven him, but Rimmer flat-out refused. It was easier the other way he would say, and this made Lister upset and concerned that his reason was never that he liked or preferred it and so it rarely happened from then on. Hands and mouths were enough for him.

Still, it was wonderful that part of Rimmer’s surprise for Valentine’s Day was that he wanted to try again. Lister was quite happy to have a pipe in his arse for half an hour if it meant finally making love with his partner.

~~~~~

It was the big day and Lister was feeling serene, clean and keen. After an extra preliminary douche (just in case) he headed up to the captain's bedroom per Rimmer’s request. _Maybe it was even a command_ , Lister thought with a shiver of delight. Rimmer in charge, when it was for good reasons, was a very tantalising aspect to his personality.

“Oh wow,” Lister gasped as entered the room. There was smooth jazz playing even though Rimmer hated it, the bed covers had been changed to a deep red Egyptian cotton (likely stolen from Cat, and hopefully washed), the lights were dimmed to a romantic level - not so dark that they couldn’t see one another’s naughty bits but not light enough to be embarrassing - and there was a pitcher of water, a six-pack of his favourite beer on ice, and bowl of fruit and melted chilli chocolate fondue on a teasmaid next to the bed. _He’s really gone all out, what’s brought this on?_

“Listy.”

He turned to see Rimmer in the doorway dressed to the nines in a shiny white uniform as he’d expected. Lister had made an effort too, although his off-the-rack black three-piece was either slack or tight in the wrong places on his body.

“Listy,” Rimmer repeated as his eyes roved over him in what Lister hoped was satisfaction. “You didn’t have to dress up for me.”

“Just wanted to look nice for our date.”

“I know. I just meant” - and with this Rimmer took a few steps closer and purred into Lister’s ear - “you didn’t need to because those clothes won’t be on you for very long.”

“Rimmer!”

He leant back and cocked his head, admiring Lister at a small distance. “Although, perhaps a few items could stay on. You’d look quite sensuous in just your shirt and socks.”

Lister laughed nervously. He’d never seen Rimmer so confident, outside of being Ace, but it wasn’t quite that same obnoxious vibe he was getting.

The nerves intensified as Rimmer slowly peeled his clothes away, leaving his socks on and his shirt intact as promised apart from opening the front buttons and revealing the smooth round stomach underneath. He proceeded to kiss and suck on the delicious sight and Lister trembled at the sensation. It was like Rimmer was psychic. Every part of him that wanted attention got it, every part that needed a break was granted.

Sometimes.

Rimmer teased just enough to bring him to the edge of pleasure and then took it away again and Lister was overwhelmed and shaking with hot cheeks and soundless gasps before Rimmer had even reached his cock. He sucked the thick flesh into his mouth deeper than it had ever been before. Lister groaned. Rimmer looked up smugly, pleased with the reaction, but he retreated the moment he saw the dark glazed eyes staring wildly back. He wiped his mouth clean. “Do you want to stop?”

“I’m good,” Lister said hoarsely and gulped - desperate for air and desperate for something else too though he wasn’t sure what. “Bit wobbly.”

Rimmer smiled and using his hologrammatic strength he picked Lister up like a bride so he could gently lie him down on the bed and give him a much appreciated drink of water. Rimmer piled up several pillows around his body like a plush throne and flicked one of Lister’s dreadlocks from off of his shoulder. “When did you last eat?”

“Uh… lunch?”

Rimmer clicked his tongue and picked up the bowl of fruit. “Eat.”

“I’m fine.”

“I know fruit is practically poisonous to you but the chilli and chocolate will make it more palatable.”

“Haha, funny,” Lister said with a pout but the scenario of Rimmer hand-feeding him fruit was too good to pass up and he let him place the disgusting nutritious cubes onto his tongue and push them carefully inside his mouth, sometimes allowing Rimmer’s finger to lovingly trace his lips and wipe away the juices.

He was starting to work out what was different. Rimmer’s gaze intently followed everything he did. Normally Rimmer’s eyes darted around as if he was constantly on the defensive and looking out for danger even when they were obviously alone and warm and safe. But now their sole desire was to focus on his lover's eyes or his hands, and other places.

Lister shuddered as Rimmer’s one hand continued its sweet offerings and the other slid down past their stomachs. “That’s sneaky,” Lister muttered and moaned as Rimmer pumped up and down the shaft of his cock, twisting his wrist at the base. “Dis...tracting... me like... that… Smegger.”

Rimmer had no interest in resorting to petty insults in rebuttal as he deftly flicked open a bottle of lubricant (that seemed to Lister to appear like magic even though it clearly wasn't a projection) and poured a generous amount of the contents on his hand and worked it over his supple flesh.

Lister tilted his head in curiosity when the hands stayed on his cock. “I thought we were swapping?”

“Oh don’t you worry miladdo, you’ll have your turn,” Rimmer growled as he instantly shimmered out of all his clothing and turned around to straddle his hips. Lister sank back into the pillows and marvelled at the way Rimmer reached back to line up with his cock and groaned at the slender arse easily sinking down and around him. Rimmer had never ridden him before now - the few times Lister had topped him he’d lain in silent embarrassment and let him set the pace, hiding his face with his arm in mortification when a sound slipped out. Now he was acting like a professional vaquero and howling with abandon.

Rimmer twisted his torso to lean his arm behind Lister’s head and kissed him deeply, moaning into his mouth with every descent that hit him precisely and defeatedly. Lister let him do what he wanted, too turned on and powerless and unwilling to defy him, and licked lazily at wherever he could reach. Rimmer’s legs trembled from the effort and from the wet tongue making its way up his side and over his nipple. Just when Lister was close he slid off of him, but Lister bit back all the unpleasant terms he wanted to call him when Rimmer whispered, “not yet - together, karulo,” against his lips and grabbed some of the pillows to stuff under his lower body.

Lister let his head fall back and concentrated on the ceiling. He was too exhausted to be nervous but he still shut his eyes and tensed when Rimmer poured more lubricant between his legs and smeared it lower and inside him. His eyes flew back open when he felt Rimmer nose his thigh and then a warm wet point at his hole. “The smeg are you doing?”

“Just thought I should live up to my name. You don’t like it? Is it bad?”

Strange was a better word but it didn’t take long for Lister’s body to decide it completely approved of the activity. It felt like Rimmer would namesake him to death.

And then the bastard moved away again.

 _I’m going to kill him_ , Lister groaned inwardly. _I’m going to find some way to revive him just so's I can kill him._

The notion quickly melted away when Rimmer held his cock in place and began to slowly push into him. Lister instinctively lifted his legs but Rimmer held them lower around his thighs and pumped gently in and out, gradually going from a shallow introduction to deeper invasive thrusts. Lister gritted his teeth at first but Rimmer’s warm body and rhythmic thrusts loosened him physically and mentally. Rimmer leaned over him and they lay stomach to stomach kissing and keening; very little actual vigorous movement Lister realised, but beautifully intimate.

Lister finally relaxed. Rimmer's eyes darkened.

Lister gasped as the thrusts became more erratic and wild, scratching desperately and pointlessly at Rimmer's light-armoured skin.

Lister finally came between them; the hard-hitting explosive orgasm he guessed it would be from the way things had started. He was still quivering when Rimmer pulled out with a satisfied murmur. He was given more water to drink whilst he watched Rimmer dutifully clean up the worst of the mess and then lay beside him stroking his skin and hair until he calmed down from the confusing myriad of new but wonderful sensations. 

“Was it too much too soon?” Rimmer asked worriedly after a long period of companionable silence.

“Babe, that was amazing.” Lister feebly lifted a hand to touch Rimmer’s face but it gave up and landed with a smack back onto his sticky stomach. “I’m tempted to never leave this room again if that's what happens in here. Actually I’m pretty sure my legs are too jellified to take me out even if I wanted to go.”

“Really?”

“Yeah babe. Best orgasm of me life, or at least top five if not,” he said.

“That’s a relief. I’m so glad it worked,” Rimmer sighed happily.

Lister gave him a look so sharp it could cut diamonds. “What worked?”

 _Bollocks_ , thought Rimmer. “Now, promise you won’t be upset...”

“I’m not promising that because when someone says ‘promise you won’t be upset’ it’s usually followed by something upsetting.”

Rimmer turned to the teasmaid with an unsubtle cough. “Let’s have a nice beer together, Listy.”

“Rimmer! I mean obviously yes I want a beer, but don’t change the smegging subject.”

Rimmer cracked open one of the ice-cold beers and handed it to Lister without looking at him. He might have had a brain that specialised in charm partly in charge of his body, but it was clear it didn’t override his natural penchant for putting his foot in his mouth. “Well, you might have noticed that this evening in bed my prowess was a bit more, hmm, how to put it?”

“Sexpert.”

“I was going to say confident. The reason for that is that I may have used a tiny, small, barely a floppy disk worth really, itsy-bitsy, teeny weeny… mind patch.”

Lister sat up in shock. “Are you smegging mad?!”

“No, not yet, and not likely to be either. It seems to have worked just fine. That silly Legobot said my mind was incapable of being patched but he's wrong. So long as it's just a few hours.”

“And what if it never goes? Remember the trouble that mechanoid transplant caused you.”

“Listy, it's fine, really.”

“Delete it,” he said firmly. “Right now.”

“But-”

“Please Rimmer.” Lister gazed at him with big soulful eyes brimming with fear. “Do it before something goes wrong. You can come back when it’s done for our after-glow cuddles.” He looked away and sipped his beer as angrily as one could sip a beer. “Maybe,” he added. “If I’m talking to you anymore.”

Rimmer dolefully left to wipe away the patch and Lister flopped back into the pillows with a frustrated huff.

~~~~~

Lister was curled up on his side when Rimmer returned. He’d discarded his damp and messy shirt but Rimmer could still see his socks peeking out under the quilt. “Listy?” he began quietly and the form on the bed curled up tighter. “Lister, please. I only did it because I wanted you to enjoy sex with me for once.”

Lister rolled over and stared at him. “The smeg are you talking about?”

“You never, you know, _finish_ with me. And I know I’m a bit of a dead fish in bed, especially when I’m the receiver. I don’t really know what to do and-”

“Rimmer…” Lister shook his head and gestured for him to join him on the bed. Rimmer sat stiffly beside him on the covers and let Lister cup his face lovingly although he felt too ashamed to meet his eyes yet. Lister kissed his cheek forgivingly. “Babe, I really wish you didn’t get so worked up about these things. Our relationship isn’t an exam. I’m not grading your performance.”

“That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try to get an A.”

“You mean an O,” Lister said teasingly.

It took Rimmer a moment to get the joke. He smiled sadly and laid his head on Lister’s shoulder. “I just didn’t want you to be like the others who've had the misfortune of being with me. I didn’t want you to be disappointed.”

“It’s not worth risking your program over. I’m happy with you the way you are, as smegging hard as it is for you to believe.”

“Really?”

“Maybe a little less elevator music would be nice.”

“Hey, I broke out Houston Person for you tonight.”

“And I’m very grateful for it. It’s hard to get it up for Reggie Wilson no matter how skilled your mind patch is.” Lister kissed him again and frowned. “I still don’t understand how that works. I mean yeah it knows all the tips and tricks but everyone’s different, every body, every situation. How would it know what I liked?”

“Having used it a few times I think I understand how it worked. In the actual program it can read your mind and body through the sensors in the helmet, gloves and so on. But I don’t have that ability. I think it relied on my memories.”

“Memories?”

“Of being with you on previous occasions. I think on some subconscious level I do know what you like and don’t like by your reactions. But I lack the knowledge to interpret them and the talent to execute the techniques needed. Like how I knew earlier that I couldn’t let you wrap your legs high around me because you always get a cramp in your right calf muscle when they're elevated.”

That's why Rimmer's gaze had been so intense, and his hands so unwilling to leave his body. He must have been analysing every twitch, every shiver, every gasp Lister made, and aligning it with prior results. “So it _was_ you with me just now?”

“Of course it was!” Rimmer was horrified by his implication. “I wouldn’t make you go to bed with a stranger, Listy.”

Lister wrapped Rimmer up in his arms and settled them down for sleep. “Good to know. But no more patches. Our relationship’s got its kinks but we’ll work them out together.”

“Now when you say kinks-”

“ _Good night_ , Rimmer.”

“Good night... karulo.”


End file.
